Don't forget

When the people you love let you down, it isn’t easy. It can be the cause of much hurt, anxiety, and self-doubt. In turn, we have all at some point let the ones we care about down. There are only two emotions, love and fear. Every other emotion is a branch from those forms of expression. We all deserve forgiveness. Don’t be eaten up by trivialities, embrace the hurt and share the love and understanding you would want if the tables were turned. Don’t let the world harden your heart.

This year has been interesting. I have learned many personal truths about myself and I see people and situations more clearly than I ever have. I have also had to sit with some very hard decisions. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and no one can see the safety net but me.

I have never been one to bother with details. I don’t make excuses. I act and I am always going to jump. I have to stand and face my fears. I have to pursue my dreams. I have to love. These are the things that make me feel like I exist. I don’t want to settle for mediocre. I wouldn’t know how if I tried.

That’s the thing about self-love and self-respect. It won’t allow you to settle for anything less than extraordinary. I get to decide who I am, what I do, and the people I share my gifts with, no one else.

Be bold my loves. Be brave. Be love. Be forgiving. Stand on the edge and dive into your life. Create all that you can, and remember to embrace other humans on the way down. They need your courage. They need to hear your voice. They need to see you push past small minds and follow your heart.

I needed this, and I have found it for myself. I now too, get to share it. Life is insanely beautiful, do not let anyone gaslight you as crazy for daring to love it and the people who share your timeline. Hold your head high and greet the day.

You are beautiful, just as you. I hope you all know this to be true because it is.

Cheers to Honesty

There are days when I want to give up 

When I am tired of being so fucking strong

Can't you see

I have nothing left to give

They have already everything

I just want to be weak now

And have that be okay

I just want to scream

Until the world fades away

Want to know what I've learned? Fine, if you insist.

Here is your hard truth and I'll send it with a kiss.

I've learned that most days life is not kind and we all lose. 

Monsters get ahead and the good-hearted get used. 

We are all hypocrites and we just make shit up. 

We lie to most and are honest with few. 

We are all bullies searching for something to abuse. 

Our egos are giant and our hearts are small. 

Yes everyone leaves, and the world has forgotten how to stay. 

It's a passive aggressive nation, the theme is, "We give no fucks." 

Oh and don't think for one second that you will be different and care to feel. 

The world will just gaslight you and brand you as crazy. 

We don't know how to love and it's so  fucking sad and completely heartbreaking. 

We can't see the beauty in free so instead we attach, we project and we cling. 

We are all scared and insecure piece of shit creatures filling up on mores and never enough's. 

We are all disgusting and that's the hard truth. 

So no I don't feel the need to ask for help because everything comes with a price. You know on your back and belly up. The world will eat you alive and I don't feel like being placed on its plate. 

Not this time.

Where it all started

This morning, as I was stumbling sleepily to the coffee pot, I ran into my bookshelf and knocked down my journals. Instead of immediately picking up the mess, I continued to focus on the task at hand. Caffeine… Walking back to my room, I stopped to sit on the floor and meticulously put them back in order. I took a picture (because they looked pretty, that’s why), and then started going through them one by one.

I feel like I have lived so many conflicting lives, and anyone who has managed to bare witness to these varying of phases would probably say the same. However, I am not them and have no clue what they think of me, that’s their business. Even with all that’s happened the story line seems to stay the same.

It’s funny because I believed it had changed. I can’t help but wonder if it’s like that for everyone . . . My whole life it seems I have sought after love in the worst and best of places. From being attention seeking as a child, to sex, drugs, abuse, and each time I turn a page- I am the same, yet forever altered.

I can’t imagine doing some of the things I have, but starring back at me is my handwriting, that is my named signed at the bottom of each page. It’s like looking at the most immature, selfish parts of myself and reliving it as I worked it out on paper. I used to do this more often, work things out.

My values have gone from being harsh, extreme, nil to none, self-righteous, and then my favorite was my morally superior phase- like I could ever keep that stage character up. “Bye kettle,” says me the pot.

Now I just value what I do. I have absolutely no opinion on what should and shouldn’t be. These days I try not to be hard on myself, or the people around me. I allow patience with my thoughts and give myself time to be still- never focusing on one area or person too much with any sort of judgment.

My temperament is mostly the same, and I still want the same things for my life. The way I respond to the world around me and what that looks like for me today is a bit more clear. It has a lot more gray area, with quite a few more areas with hard lines (boundaries, who knew you needed those? but trust me, we all do).

The intense desire for external approval has almost entirely vanished. I can’t remember the last time I was concerned with what someone else was thinking. Okay, there was this one-time last week, but I directly asked my questions and got some answers and went about my day, but my journals tell a very different story.

Me that exists today, remembers things a little differently than what I have written down in these books. I thought I was happier, maybe because that’s because I am so happy now. I have no answers for you; I just found it interesting.

My present is emotionally steadier. Fears have fallen away, I work hard to accomplish my goals, I exercise and care about what goes into my body. I am still horny, but sex isn’t the only tool for me to create a connection with the people in my life today, and I am very selective in who I share that gift with. I am still light-hearted, still self-aware, but maybe a little more reflective instead of selfish. I forgive easier, want less, and care more about self-approval these days. I no longer chase after affection or beautiful moments- rather I just try to see everyone as beautiful and enjoy all my moments.

There are days I still get lonely, but this no longer hurts. I have come to the conclusion that most people feel lonely the majority of the time, and this doesn’t change regardless if they are in a relationship or not. In fact, sometimes I just embrace it. It makes for better moments when I am not.

I still hope for a partner, someone to share all parts of me with… but I don’t indulge in one-sided affections anymore and I never will again. I haven’t seemed to have the right timing yet, and that’s okay. I continue to keep myself open and maybe someone will inspire and move my heart again. As for this moment in time, my happiness isn’t dependent on anyone or any one thing. I know my strong suits, my weak suits, and I embrace the light and dark parts of myself. It’s a good place to be.

Professionally, I have had some bumps the past year and a half. It has been a new experience. Maybe it is my heart's way of telling me to do something different. I have always worked towards financial rewards, but now, for the first time, I just want to do work I love. And if it leads me back into poverty for a while, I am okay with that for now. Money comes, money goes, I found it once, and I can create it again. Right now though, I just don’t want to fight with myself. I want to listen more, and speak less.

I am completely lost on this front, however, I am more than okay with it, and I have loved every minute of it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was this happy.

In fact, I may start a blog titled, “The Chronicles of a woman stumbling into her thirties nesting with her hand”, stay tuned people.

That is a joke; I am not going to do that. Until next time my loves, be happy.

xoxo

Who knew...

I have met a lot of incredibly interesting people lately. Some I’ve met- but never gotten to know more than a passing conversation and somehow we have now become closer. Others are new, and all have been delightful to be around. I am not sure when I started to weed out the toxic relationships in my life. Some I left behind without a second thought, others were harder to see.

I am discovering how to balance in a way that works for my life. I know what I want, what I need, and what I don’t.

I don’t understand people who hide their humanity. I have found that its the parts of myself I want no one to see that bond us together. You at your worst, when you are fragile, when you're inspired, or brave- that’s what I want to learn about. That’s what I link up with; it’s the mess that challenges us to grow and expands our hearts. That feeling of, “I get that”. For me at least, it makes this journey all the more worthwhile- a little less lonely. It’s comforting to know even though we are all disgusting on the inside, that we also fundamentally want the same things- That each and every one of us has the capacity for love and is capable of moments of real impact.

I am glad I took the long way and learned the hard lessons young. I am grateful at the age of thirty the world has not hardened my heart. I am thankful that two years ago I did not drowned in self-hate and despair.  That I have learned to let go and embrace every inch of this body I call my home.

I owe this to all of the people in my life who challenged and accepted me. I owe my strength to all who have spit me out and made me question my worth. Thank you for making me feel small so I could understand what it's like to feel big. Thank you for making me feel ugly so I could discover my beauty. Thank you for making me feel unheard so I could find my voice. Thank you for giving me something to stand for, people worth fighting for, and for helping me see the good in the worst of situations.

I am surrounded by people who love and support me for exactly who I am and not who they would have me be. How this happened, I’ll never know. When I fall or stumble, I don’t have people who stare back at me with judgment or disdain. I don’t associate with the selfish, the paranoid, or manipulative.

The people in my life hold out arms for hugs, and have shoulders to lean on. They tell me to try again, they say things like, “What you want, is what I want for you”, “You are wanted, and you are loved every day”.  They are my teachers, my friends, and my chosen family.

I don’t have to prove or explain myself to anyone and the people in my life don’t ask me to. We want to be in each other’s lives, there is no need chase, or be dishonest, there are no expectations. Just love, just trust, and confidence. There is laughter, understanding, honesty and loyalty.

I have no idea what I did to deserve these incredible relationships, but I am glad I never gave up. I am glad I didn’t listen. I am glad I asked questions. I am glad I always followed my heart even when it led me astray. I am glad I have never been afraid to make an ass of myself or fall down over and over and over again… and mostly I am thankful I said hello- because without saying that first hello, I wouldn’t know a single one of you and that would be sad indeed. I am glad I can’t see what tomorrow holds because right now is pretty fucking good.

For anyone out there who is lost, keep holding on. Start asking yourself what you want, and go get it. I hope you meet people along the way who help you see the best parts of yourself and encourage you.  I hope you find people who inspire you. I hope you know that you aren’t alone.

And if ever you feel like the world has no place for you, I hope you create a place for yourself.

Real Life

So let me paint a picture for you guys.

Yesterday as I was running an errand for my boss at Lowes, and I started to have a panic attack. It was busy in the store, and it was incredibly loud, seriously just too fucking loud. I get social anxiety.

Anyways, in the process of this sudden attack. I turned down a less crowded aisle to gain my composure. All the sudden there was this kid screaming. It is like he appeared out of thin air. No parent/s in sight. Normally, I would try to talk to the kid and calm him down. My mother hen instincts would have kicked in and taken over- but yesterday I froze. Why was he screaming? Where were his parents? Why was he staring at me? Why was he forcing me to take control of the situation? I don't want to be responsible for him. I have a hard enough time being responsible for myself. I was trapped. He was so loud, and it’s not like he was crying, this kid was just screaming to scream.

So as I am looking at him screaming. I start to get upset. Couldn’t he see my condition? People shouldn’t have to listen to this little asshole. I couldn’t handle it, and I physically wasn’t able to respond rationally. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I could feel it beating against my ribcage, boom, boom, boom, my ears were ringing, and I was drenched in sweat. I panicked, gripped the 2x4 rack and let out a very loud and intense “Ahhhhhhhhh” right in his face (more like direction). The boy froze and I covered my mouth realizing I just screamed at a child, practically in his face, right in the middle of the lumber department.

Thank goodness everyone who was standing near was Mexican. They acted like my behavior was normal. No one said a thing. This is why I love Mexicans; they always mind their own business. I was thankful for that small kindness.

So this kid, who was yelling, is now staring at me. We both are just standing there and staring at each other. I felt like I was in a showdown. It was me against him. And then he starts walking towards me. I instinctively start backing up. I am terrified. He wasn’t going to close that 15 feet gap. Fuck that.

Then I thought, Kaiha what the fuck is wrong with you? You are an adult, and he is just a little kid, snap out of it. Had my brain completely stopped functioning? Why was I so afraid of this tiny human?

So I stopped backing up and stood my ground. I wasn’t afraid of him. So he gets really close to me, like really close. He reaches out, grabs my hand and says, "I get it." This tiny human got me. He really got me. That one small phrase made me laugh so hard. So now imagine me basically laughing in his face. The whole situation was so comical, and bazaar, but his kid got it, and he got me I thought and with that my panic attack ended, and I helped him find his dad.

Once we found his dad- the kid proceeded to say, "this is the nice old lady who screamed at me." What the fuck!! Who says that? That’s right, kids say that, and that is why I hate them. Tactless, rude little shits.

I am pretty sure all the colored drained from my face. That little fucker, I just helped you, and he threw me under the bus. I did a good thing; you can’t just make me look completely irrational in front of your dad. But he did, and he did it in the cutest way possible. Then it registered. His dad was fucking hot. Why did I have to have dirt all over me? I wanted to speak, to say something funny- nothing; nothing came out. I became instantly self-conscious. I didn’t know what to do, and my heart started pounding AGAIN. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

To be fair, I also did yell in his son's face like a crazy person. So can't be mad at the kid for being honest, but I was mad, and he called me old. Old, I wasn’t old. Fuck you kid.

The dad looked at me like he was waiting for me to explain myself… And I just kept staring back at him. I wasn't saying shit. Nor was I about to justify something irrational.

I don’t know why I screamed. Plus he was screaming too. Why can he scream for no reason and I can’t? So after a few more moments of awkward silence, the dad said, “Alright well, thanks. You have a good day.” They turned and left, and I was free.

So to make a long story a little longer, I have learned three things about myself in the past two days. One. I will never have another child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, but fuck that. Two. I thought my midlife crisis was over, but apparently I'm still working things out. Three. I am actually attracted to women and men. Yes, I said it.  And I am not sure how I could be so sure of something my whole life and then one day wake up and realize that the idea I have attached to my whole life no longer exists for me. I was in denial, but I have decided to embrace it. I am changing, and I can’t stop that or control it, even if I wanted to. It’s a little uncomfortable, but that’s okay. I will figure it out like I always do and in the meantime- I am not going to limit myself.

No means no

Sex lets talk about it. We all want it. It's important. Makes us feel good, it burns calories, releases stress, creates closeness, and is basically, amazing- when it's consensual. You would be surprised at how many people out there seem not to understand the concept of consensual. 

Now let's talk about how even though, we have come a long way as a country, that sex is still not for women. We as a culture glorify men when they have sex and still shame women. When a man says "No," they mean it. When a woman says "No," we still ask her a few times because her "No" means yes or maybe the harder you push.

I am not talking about gender. I am not just talking about men shaming a woman, but also woman shaming woman. When does this mindset stop?

In the past month, I have encountered three couples while I was out socializing. Two were straight, and one was gay. This is not about sexual preference.

These couples approached me and asked if I'd like to "party with them", AKA, have sex with them. When I said "No," it wasn't the men who wouldn't accept my answer, it was the woman. Don't get me wrong I have had the same experience with men. What I want to bring light to is the fact that this isn't about men or women, it's about how we as a society do not listen to people, women and men alike. It's an "All people" issue. 

I felt so uncomfortable that I felt like I had to kiss these women so that they would leave me alone. I had to pretend I was coming back so that I could escape out of a public place and go home by myself. That is Not Okay and unacceptable. 

When someone says, "Hey hold on," "Wait, stop," " Slow down," "May I have a second", or "No," then it means just that.

I used to think I was the only person who felt this way or had this issue. Like I had an invisible sign on my forehead that read, "Fuck me, I am nothing". Like I wasn't a person because I had a vagina and looked the way I look. That I didn't have a say in what happened in my life When I would seek counsel from my friends, especially, my female friends. They would respond with sarcastic comments. "People are wanting to have sex with you; this isn't a problem. Wish I had that problem". 

Does anyone else see how fundamentally fucked up that is? Does anyone understand how lonely it is to have the people around you see not who you are but what your body can give them?

Let me just tell you, it is a shitty feeling. It's like you're in a state of dispair. You can't speak, or breath. You have no voice. It doesn't matter if its a "No" or forced "Yes" (which is still a no, by the way) because everyone you encounter will do what they want anyways. You feel helpless, unloved and worthless.

I can not begin to describe how hard the journey to love myself has been, but love myself I do. I am more than a fuck hole. I am more than my body, and I have more to offer than an uncomfortable forced yes. 

If you have ever felt this way, I want you to know that I hear your "No". I see your bright eyes and want to hear all that you have to say, not your forced yes. I want to tell you that you are beautiful; you are wanted and loved. You are perfect just as you are. 

Most importantly I want you to know that you are important; you are worthy and not alone. It is okay to be yourself. It is okay to educate yourself and speak openly about sex. It is okay to love your body, and you can give it or refuse it to anyone you wish. Keep saying "No's" that mean "No" and don't beat yourself up when you feel trapped into a forced yes. It will probably still happen from time to time.

We are not taught how to handle these situations when we are young. It is not your fault. I know I wasn't, but I will do my best to educate and arm my daughter.

I will talk openly to her about sex and respecting others peoples bodies. I will speak to her about rape culture, body shaming, racism, sexuality, gender, and equality.

I will hold her and tell her she is beautiful, worthy and not judged. She will find no opinions to make her feel small in my home. That I know she has already had her fair shares of "No's" unheard and forced "Yes's", but that she is still wanted, and I hear her cries. 

We are all connected. We all impact each other, unintentionally or not. Stop poisoning and projecting your insecurities onto those around you. Start listening, say what you mean and start speaking clearly.

I no longer have room in my life for anyone who makes me feel unheard. My "No's are fucking "No's" and not forced yes's or maybes. I am supported, loved and wanted by the people in my life. There is a mutual respect, kindness and we listen to one another. When I am unclear, I ask questions and get clarification. 

I love sex, but I also ask for permission, and if I get a "No", then I stop asking and accept my answer.

I encourage us all to stop assuming, stop putting each other down for having or not wanting to have sex. Be yourself, be honest, be brave, bold, and clear. Create your life and say what you mean.

You never know the type of impact you are having on someone else life. We all stumble from time to time, and we are all doing our best. I get it, I do, believe me, I understand... but maybe it's time we started speaking up, started taking personal responsibility for the people in our lives, and we started standing up for very one who's clear "no's" get turned into forced "yes's". Stop the cycle, and start with yourself. 

There I go

A while back, I had a friend tell me, “I love humor because there is always truth in it.” I disagree with him 50% of the time on this subject. My reasoning being is; people laugh openly because they have either never thought of it or because they know it to be true for them. This is just my experience, and I am only speaking for myself.

It’s all about linking up with your audience.

There are things I have thought, but I also do not stand by it, thoughts can be deceiving. I know 100% of the time that just because I think it, doesn’t make it true. However, I have said horrible things to please my targeted audience and in my heart- I did not mean it. It’s an ego thing, not a truth thing.

One, because I would rather call out the elephant in the room, and earn some laughs, maybe see a smile and educate when guards are down, than have anyone say something that could hurt me through their ignorance.

This path is not for the faint of heart. I’ve had space and time to learn what is true for me, I am responsible for what I say, not how others perceive what I say. Just like I need to allow others to learn their truth in their own time, and not the time I impose on them.

I have learned to laugh at myself, and make fun of what others would use against me. It’s my way of taking back my power and never letting anyone affect me in ways that are not to my choosing.

I had the day off today, most of what I spent in self-reflection. By 8:30 pm, I realized I had been writing and reading all day. It was time to take a break. I went to meet a friend for a drink, and they bailed. No big deal.

I was enjoying myself, and then all of the sudden as I was in conversation, someone who was ease dropping said, “I can’t stand women who have affection for men when they identify as “gay””.

I felt instantly angry. Like they had hit too close to the truth… My anger didn’t make any sense. I too have shared and said this same limited viewpoint. Why wasn’t I agreeing? Because it was bullshit, and I could no longer deny that statements like that are bullshit.

Love is funny like that. It has no gender, age, color or sexuality once so ever. It doesn’t discriminate or care who you are or where you are from. It just is. Love will hit you at any time, and it isn’t polite about it either.

It will creep up on you, and it does not care if you wanted it or not. Love doesn’t care if you are loved back. Love doesn’t have time to look the way you thought it would, in fact, most the time it doesn’t. Love is almost rude in the way it’s always raw, honest and to the point. It’s blindsiding.

The past year and a half I have been trying to outmaneuver it. Focusing on what was in front of me. Somewhere along the way… I started to love myself, and while I was trying to forget her and the past seven years… I met you. You are not how I thought you’d look. You are not the face I have imagined for 15 years… and I am helpless against you.  Even though I know you exist, I also realize I probably do not exist in the same way for you. Even in knowing this, it doesn’t matter. There is no running, no hiding, or pretending it is not there for me.

Every once in a while someone will come into your life, and you know you will give yourself to him or her like no other.

You find yourself just wanting them to know you care about them. They never take your limited space personally; they bring out the best parts of you and allow you the freedom to be yourself. They don’t make you feel silly or chalk up the way you feel to imaginary. They respect you and care for you regardless of if it's romantic for them or not. They don’t belittle you, they don’t need anything from you, and they encourage your honesty.

In return, you allow them to stay or leave; because you know whatever they want is what you want, even if that means it is not you. Let my words sink in for a moment.

Even if they do not want you, in the same way, they allow you to be whatever is helpful for you. Think about that. Think about the power and freedom in that. Let it soak into all that you are.

It’s unselfish, honest, and you can’t stop yourself from feeling it. The love you have for yourself shines through, and so does your love for them. It’s simple, exciting, and complimentary.

And it is okay.

It will remain beautiful, no matter if it’s mutual or not. It’s exhilarating, not dooming. You can exist and love anyways, just like you have done before and will continue to do.

I’ve never known myself cable of such love, such freedom. That I could unlearn so much of the falsehoods, thrust upon me from birth in a single instant- until now.

I promise I am coming full circle with this.

For the past two months or so, I have gone from being more stressed than I have been since I was in the military. I have been, angry, resentful and not sound of thought or heart. I was losing myself. I was a bottle about to explode. On top of this situation, that was especially emotionally dangerous for me because of certain experiences. My thoughts kept drifting to a certain person, I couldn’t express myself to the people who were closest to me, but I longed to seek the council from a particular friend. It was confusing, why that person? Why should I find comfort in the mere thought of that person?

Then, tonight, when this person was just speaking to speak, it hit me. I could feel it when I roes to their defense. They weren’t even there, and no one knew who this person was. I felt it when I offered up the one gift I knew they needed, but wouldn’t take because they can’t give it back.

It was love. That rude ass emotion that you can’t live without has been staring me in the face, and it looked so different at first glance, I almost missed it.

I’ve found it again and in the most unlikely of places. What is this life, some would say. Not like this. It’s insane to give my heart to this person and yet, I give it freely and believe me; I have had no choice in the matter, until now, now that I recognize what it is that has been tugging at my heart.

I am not afraid, and frankly, it just isn’t about them. It’s about me, and the fact that I am cable of a truly unselfish state of being. That for the first time; I can express the way I feel in a respectful way and have it be okay. I don’t have insecurities; I don’t have to project it on them or be afraid. I am not going to try to hold on to it, or control it.

I am going to be radical and just let it be, yes, I am going to feel it.

I get just to feel and be present to the fact that I can feel this way and have it be what it is. This kind of love, can’t exist without first finding self-love, because only now am I able to know what I am feeling is coming from me, not them, it's real. It will remain with or with their presence in my life.

It is possibly the greatest gift I have ever given myself. If I can discover this truth, what else am I capable of? How can I use this gift to help anyone who crosses my path? I feel like I have stumbled onto the secret of happiness, and instead of clutching on for dear life, or keeping it to myself.

I am going to let go- I am going to share it.