Real Life

So let me paint a picture for you guys.

Yesterday as I was running an errand for my boss at Lowes, and I started to have a panic attack. It was busy in the store, and it was incredibly loud, seriously just too fucking loud. I get social anxiety.

Anyways, in the process of this sudden attack. I turned down a less crowded aisle to gain my composure. All the sudden there was this kid screaming. It is like he appeared out of thin air. No parent/s in sight. Normally, I would try to talk to the kid and calm him down. My mother hen instincts would have kicked in and taken over- but yesterday I froze. Why was he screaming? Where were his parents? Why was he staring at me? Why was he forcing me to take control of the situation? I don't want to be responsible for him. I have a hard enough time being responsible for myself. I was trapped. He was so loud, and it’s not like he was crying, this kid was just screaming to scream.

So as I am looking at him screaming. I start to get upset. Couldn’t he see my condition? People shouldn’t have to listen to this little asshole. I couldn’t handle it, and I physically wasn’t able to respond rationally. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I could feel it beating against my ribcage, boom, boom, boom, my ears were ringing, and I was drenched in sweat. I panicked, gripped the 2x4 rack and let out a very loud and intense “Ahhhhhhhhh” right in his face (more like direction). The boy froze and I covered my mouth realizing I just screamed at a child, practically in his face, right in the middle of the lumber department.

Thank goodness everyone who was standing near was Mexican. They acted like my behavior was normal. No one said a thing. This is why I love Mexicans; they always mind their own business. I was thankful for that small kindness.

So this kid, who was yelling, is now staring at me. We both are just standing there and staring at each other. I felt like I was in a showdown. It was me against him. And then he starts walking towards me. I instinctively start backing up. I am terrified. He wasn’t going to close that 15 feet gap. Fuck that.

Then I thought, Kaiha what the fuck is wrong with you? You are an adult, and he is just a little kid, snap out of it. Had my brain completely stopped functioning? Why was I so afraid of this tiny human?

So I stopped backing up and stood my ground. I wasn’t afraid of him. So he gets really close to me, like really close. He reaches out, grabs my hand and says, "I get it." This tiny human got me. He really got me. That one small phrase made me laugh so hard. So now imagine me basically laughing in his face. The whole situation was so comical, and bazaar, but his kid got it, and he got me I thought and with that my panic attack ended, and I helped him find his dad.

Once we found his dad- the kid proceeded to say, "this is the nice old lady who screamed at me." What the fuck!! Who says that? That’s right, kids say that, and that is why I hate them. Tactless, rude little shits.

I am pretty sure all the colored drained from my face. That little fucker, I just helped you, and he threw me under the bus. I did a good thing; you can’t just make me look completely irrational in front of your dad. But he did, and he did it in the cutest way possible. Then it registered. His dad was fucking hot. Why did I have to have dirt all over me? I wanted to speak, to say something funny- nothing; nothing came out. I became instantly self-conscious. I didn’t know what to do, and my heart started pounding AGAIN. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

To be fair, I also did yell in his son's face like a crazy person. So can't be mad at the kid for being honest, but I was mad, and he called me old. Old, I wasn’t old. Fuck you kid.

The dad looked at me like he was waiting for me to explain myself… And I just kept staring back at him. I wasn't saying shit. Nor was I about to justify something irrational.

I don’t know why I screamed. Plus he was screaming too. Why can he scream for no reason and I can’t? So after a few more moments of awkward silence, the dad said, “Alright well, thanks. You have a good day.” They turned and left, and I was free.

So to make a long story a little longer, I have learned three things about myself in the past two days. One. I will never have another child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, but fuck that. Two. I thought my midlife crisis was over, but apparently I'm still working things out. Three. I am actually attracted to women and men. Yes, I said it.  And I am not sure how I could be so sure of something my whole life and then one day wake up and realize that the idea I have attached to my whole life no longer exists for me. I was in denial, but I have decided to embrace it. I am changing, and I can’t stop that or control it, even if I wanted to. It’s a little uncomfortable, but that’s okay. I will figure it out like I always do and in the meantime- I am not going to limit myself.