No means no

Sex lets talk about it. We all want it. It's important. Makes us feel good, it burns calories, releases stress, creates closeness, and is basically, amazing- when it's consensual. You would be surprised at how many people out there seem not to understand the concept of consensual. 

Now let's talk about how even though, we have come a long way as a country, that sex is still not for women. We as a culture glorify men when they have sex and still shame women. When a man says "No," they mean it. When a woman says "No," we still ask her a few times because her "No" means yes or maybe the harder you push.

I am not talking about gender. I am not just talking about men shaming a woman, but also woman shaming woman. When does this mindset stop?

In the past month, I have encountered three couples while I was out socializing. Two were straight, and one was gay. This is not about sexual preference.

These couples approached me and asked if I'd like to "party with them", AKA, have sex with them. When I said "No," it wasn't the men who wouldn't accept my answer, it was the woman. Don't get me wrong I have had the same experience with men. What I want to bring light to is the fact that this isn't about men or women, it's about how we as a society do not listen to people, women and men alike. It's an "All people" issue. 

I felt so uncomfortable that I felt like I had to kiss these women so that they would leave me alone. I had to pretend I was coming back so that I could escape out of a public place and go home by myself. That is Not Okay and unacceptable. 

When someone says, "Hey hold on," "Wait, stop," " Slow down," "May I have a second", or "No," then it means just that.

I used to think I was the only person who felt this way or had this issue. Like I had an invisible sign on my forehead that read, "Fuck me, I am nothing". Like I wasn't a person because I had a vagina and looked the way I look. That I didn't have a say in what happened in my life When I would seek counsel from my friends, especially, my female friends. They would respond with sarcastic comments. "People are wanting to have sex with you; this isn't a problem. Wish I had that problem". 

Does anyone else see how fundamentally fucked up that is? Does anyone understand how lonely it is to have the people around you see not who you are but what your body can give them?

Let me just tell you, it is a shitty feeling. It's like you're in a state of dispair. You can't speak, or breath. You have no voice. It doesn't matter if its a "No" or forced "Yes" (which is still a no, by the way) because everyone you encounter will do what they want anyways. You feel helpless, unloved and worthless.

I can not begin to describe how hard the journey to love myself has been, but love myself I do. I am more than a fuck hole. I am more than my body, and I have more to offer than an uncomfortable forced yes. 

If you have ever felt this way, I want you to know that I hear your "No". I see your bright eyes and want to hear all that you have to say, not your forced yes. I want to tell you that you are beautiful; you are wanted and loved. You are perfect just as you are. 

Most importantly I want you to know that you are important; you are worthy and not alone. It is okay to be yourself. It is okay to educate yourself and speak openly about sex. It is okay to love your body, and you can give it or refuse it to anyone you wish. Keep saying "No's" that mean "No" and don't beat yourself up when you feel trapped into a forced yes. It will probably still happen from time to time.

We are not taught how to handle these situations when we are young. It is not your fault. I know I wasn't, but I will do my best to educate and arm my daughter.

I will talk openly to her about sex and respecting others peoples bodies. I will speak to her about rape culture, body shaming, racism, sexuality, gender, and equality.

I will hold her and tell her she is beautiful, worthy and not judged. She will find no opinions to make her feel small in my home. That I know she has already had her fair shares of "No's" unheard and forced "Yes's", but that she is still wanted, and I hear her cries. 

We are all connected. We all impact each other, unintentionally or not. Stop poisoning and projecting your insecurities onto those around you. Start listening, say what you mean and start speaking clearly.

I no longer have room in my life for anyone who makes me feel unheard. My "No's are fucking "No's" and not forced yes's or maybes. I am supported, loved and wanted by the people in my life. There is a mutual respect, kindness and we listen to one another. When I am unclear, I ask questions and get clarification. 

I love sex, but I also ask for permission, and if I get a "No", then I stop asking and accept my answer.

I encourage us all to stop assuming, stop putting each other down for having or not wanting to have sex. Be yourself, be honest, be brave, bold, and clear. Create your life and say what you mean.

You never know the type of impact you are having on someone else life. We all stumble from time to time, and we are all doing our best. I get it, I do, believe me, I understand... but maybe it's time we started speaking up, started taking personal responsibility for the people in our lives, and we started standing up for very one who's clear "no's" get turned into forced "yes's". Stop the cycle, and start with yourself. 

There I go

A while back, I had a friend tell me, “I love humor because there is always truth in it.” I disagree with him 50% of the time on this subject. My reasoning being is; people laugh openly because they have either never thought of it or because they know it to be true for them. This is just my experience, and I am only speaking for myself.

It’s all about linking up with your audience.

There are things I have thought, but I also do not stand by it, thoughts can be deceiving. I know 100% of the time that just because I think it, doesn’t make it true. However, I have said horrible things to please my targeted audience and in my heart- I did not mean it. It’s an ego thing, not a truth thing.

One, because I would rather call out the elephant in the room, and earn some laughs, maybe see a smile and educate when guards are down, than have anyone say something that could hurt me through their ignorance.

This path is not for the faint of heart. I’ve had space and time to learn what is true for me, I am responsible for what I say, not how others perceive what I say. Just like I need to allow others to learn their truth in their own time, and not the time I impose on them.

I have learned to laugh at myself, and make fun of what others would use against me. It’s my way of taking back my power and never letting anyone affect me in ways that are not to my choosing.

I had the day off today, most of what I spent in self-reflection. By 8:30 pm, I realized I had been writing and reading all day. It was time to take a break. I went to meet a friend for a drink, and they bailed. No big deal.

I was enjoying myself, and then all of the sudden as I was in conversation, someone who was ease dropping said, “I can’t stand women who have affection for men when they identify as “gay””.

I felt instantly angry. Like they had hit too close to the truth… My anger didn’t make any sense. I too have shared and said this same limited viewpoint. Why wasn’t I agreeing? Because it was bullshit, and I could no longer deny that statements like that are bullshit.

Love is funny like that. It has no gender, age, color or sexuality once so ever. It doesn’t discriminate or care who you are or where you are from. It just is. Love will hit you at any time, and it isn’t polite about it either.

It will creep up on you, and it does not care if you wanted it or not. Love doesn’t care if you are loved back. Love doesn’t have time to look the way you thought it would, in fact, most the time it doesn’t. Love is almost rude in the way it’s always raw, honest and to the point. It’s blindsiding.

The past year and a half I have been trying to outmaneuver it. Focusing on what was in front of me. Somewhere along the way… I started to love myself, and while I was trying to forget her and the past seven years… I met you. You are not how I thought you’d look. You are not the face I have imagined for 15 years… and I am helpless against you.  Even though I know you exist, I also realize I probably do not exist in the same way for you. Even in knowing this, it doesn’t matter. There is no running, no hiding, or pretending it is not there for me.

Every once in a while someone will come into your life, and you know you will give yourself to him or her like no other.

You find yourself just wanting them to know you care about them. They never take your limited space personally; they bring out the best parts of you and allow you the freedom to be yourself. They don’t make you feel silly or chalk up the way you feel to imaginary. They respect you and care for you regardless of if it's romantic for them or not. They don’t belittle you, they don’t need anything from you, and they encourage your honesty.

In return, you allow them to stay or leave; because you know whatever they want is what you want, even if that means it is not you. Let my words sink in for a moment.

Even if they do not want you, in the same way, they allow you to be whatever is helpful for you. Think about that. Think about the power and freedom in that. Let it soak into all that you are.

It’s unselfish, honest, and you can’t stop yourself from feeling it. The love you have for yourself shines through, and so does your love for them. It’s simple, exciting, and complimentary.

And it is okay.

It will remain beautiful, no matter if it’s mutual or not. It’s exhilarating, not dooming. You can exist and love anyways, just like you have done before and will continue to do.

I’ve never known myself cable of such love, such freedom. That I could unlearn so much of the falsehoods, thrust upon me from birth in a single instant- until now.

I promise I am coming full circle with this.

For the past two months or so, I have gone from being more stressed than I have been since I was in the military. I have been, angry, resentful and not sound of thought or heart. I was losing myself. I was a bottle about to explode. On top of this situation, that was especially emotionally dangerous for me because of certain experiences. My thoughts kept drifting to a certain person, I couldn’t express myself to the people who were closest to me, but I longed to seek the council from a particular friend. It was confusing, why that person? Why should I find comfort in the mere thought of that person?

Then, tonight, when this person was just speaking to speak, it hit me. I could feel it when I roes to their defense. They weren’t even there, and no one knew who this person was. I felt it when I offered up the one gift I knew they needed, but wouldn’t take because they can’t give it back.

It was love. That rude ass emotion that you can’t live without has been staring me in the face, and it looked so different at first glance, I almost missed it.

I’ve found it again and in the most unlikely of places. What is this life, some would say. Not like this. It’s insane to give my heart to this person and yet, I give it freely and believe me; I have had no choice in the matter, until now, now that I recognize what it is that has been tugging at my heart.

I am not afraid, and frankly, it just isn’t about them. It’s about me, and the fact that I am cable of a truly unselfish state of being. That for the first time; I can express the way I feel in a respectful way and have it be okay. I don’t have insecurities; I don’t have to project it on them or be afraid. I am not going to try to hold on to it, or control it.

I am going to be radical and just let it be, yes, I am going to feel it.

I get just to feel and be present to the fact that I can feel this way and have it be what it is. This kind of love, can’t exist without first finding self-love, because only now am I able to know what I am feeling is coming from me, not them, it's real. It will remain with or with their presence in my life.

It is possibly the greatest gift I have ever given myself. If I can discover this truth, what else am I capable of? How can I use this gift to help anyone who crosses my path? I feel like I have stumbled onto the secret of happiness, and instead of clutching on for dear life, or keeping it to myself.

I am going to let go- I am going to share it.