No means no

Sex lets talk about it. We all want it. It's important. Makes us feel good, it burns calories, releases stress, creates closeness, and is basically, amazing- when it's consensual. You would be surprised at how many people out there seem not to understand the concept of consensual. 

Now let's talk about how even though, we have come a long way as a country, that sex is still not for women. We as a culture glorify men when they have sex and still shame women. When a man says "No," they mean it. When a woman says "No," we still ask her a few times because her "No" means yes or maybe the harder you push.

I am not talking about gender. I am not just talking about men shaming a woman, but also woman shaming woman. When does this mindset stop?

In the past month, I have encountered three couples while I was out socializing. Two were straight, and one was gay. This is not about sexual preference.

These couples approached me and asked if I'd like to "party with them", AKA, have sex with them. When I said "No," it wasn't the men who wouldn't accept my answer, it was the woman. Don't get me wrong I have had the same experience with men. What I want to bring light to is the fact that this isn't about men or women, it's about how we as a society do not listen to people, women and men alike. It's an "All people" issue. 

I felt so uncomfortable that I felt like I had to kiss these women so that they would leave me alone. I had to pretend I was coming back so that I could escape out of a public place and go home by myself. That is Not Okay and unacceptable. 

When someone says, "Hey hold on," "Wait, stop," " Slow down," "May I have a second", or "No," then it means just that.

I used to think I was the only person who felt this way or had this issue. Like I had an invisible sign on my forehead that read, "Fuck me, I am nothing". Like I wasn't a person because I had a vagina and looked the way I look. That I didn't have a say in what happened in my life When I would seek counsel from my friends, especially, my female friends. They would respond with sarcastic comments. "People are wanting to have sex with you; this isn't a problem. Wish I had that problem". 

Does anyone else see how fundamentally fucked up that is? Does anyone understand how lonely it is to have the people around you see not who you are but what your body can give them?

Let me just tell you, it is a shitty feeling. It's like you're in a state of dispair. You can't speak, or breath. You have no voice. It doesn't matter if its a "No" or forced "Yes" (which is still a no, by the way) because everyone you encounter will do what they want anyways. You feel helpless, unloved and worthless.

I can not begin to describe how hard the journey to love myself has been, but love myself I do. I am more than a fuck hole. I am more than my body, and I have more to offer than an uncomfortable forced yes. 

If you have ever felt this way, I want you to know that I hear your "No". I see your bright eyes and want to hear all that you have to say, not your forced yes. I want to tell you that you are beautiful; you are wanted and loved. You are perfect just as you are. 

Most importantly I want you to know that you are important; you are worthy and not alone. It is okay to be yourself. It is okay to educate yourself and speak openly about sex. It is okay to love your body, and you can give it or refuse it to anyone you wish. Keep saying "No's" that mean "No" and don't beat yourself up when you feel trapped into a forced yes. It will probably still happen from time to time.

We are not taught how to handle these situations when we are young. It is not your fault. I know I wasn't, but I will do my best to educate and arm my daughter.

I will talk openly to her about sex and respecting others peoples bodies. I will speak to her about rape culture, body shaming, racism, sexuality, gender, and equality.

I will hold her and tell her she is beautiful, worthy and not judged. She will find no opinions to make her feel small in my home. That I know she has already had her fair shares of "No's" unheard and forced "Yes's", but that she is still wanted, and I hear her cries. 

We are all connected. We all impact each other, unintentionally or not. Stop poisoning and projecting your insecurities onto those around you. Start listening, say what you mean and start speaking clearly.

I no longer have room in my life for anyone who makes me feel unheard. My "No's are fucking "No's" and not forced yes's or maybes. I am supported, loved and wanted by the people in my life. There is a mutual respect, kindness and we listen to one another. When I am unclear, I ask questions and get clarification. 

I love sex, but I also ask for permission, and if I get a "No", then I stop asking and accept my answer.

I encourage us all to stop assuming, stop putting each other down for having or not wanting to have sex. Be yourself, be honest, be brave, bold, and clear. Create your life and say what you mean.

You never know the type of impact you are having on someone else life. We all stumble from time to time, and we are all doing our best. I get it, I do, believe me, I understand... but maybe it's time we started speaking up, started taking personal responsibility for the people in our lives, and we started standing up for very one who's clear "no's" get turned into forced "yes's". Stop the cycle, and start with yourself.