Where it all started

This morning, as I was stumbling sleepily to the coffee pot, I ran into my bookshelf and knocked down my journals. Instead of immediately picking up the mess, I continued to focus on the task at hand. Caffeine… Walking back to my room, I stopped to sit on the floor and meticulously put them back in order. I took a picture (because they looked pretty, that’s why), and then started going through them one by one.

I feel like I have lived so many conflicting lives, and anyone who has managed to bare witness to these varying of phases would probably say the same. However, I am not them and have no clue what they think of me, that’s their business. Even with all that’s happened the story line seems to stay the same.

It’s funny because I believed it had changed. I can’t help but wonder if it’s like that for everyone . . . My whole life it seems I have sought after love in the worst and best of places. From being attention seeking as a child, to sex, drugs, abuse, and each time I turn a page- I am the same, yet forever altered.

I can’t imagine doing some of the things I have, but starring back at me is my handwriting, that is my named signed at the bottom of each page. It’s like looking at the most immature, selfish parts of myself and reliving it as I worked it out on paper. I used to do this more often, work things out.

My values have gone from being harsh, extreme, nil to none, self-righteous, and then my favorite was my morally superior phase- like I could ever keep that stage character up. “Bye kettle,” says me the pot.

Now I just value what I do. I have absolutely no opinion on what should and shouldn’t be. These days I try not to be hard on myself, or the people around me. I allow patience with my thoughts and give myself time to be still- never focusing on one area or person too much with any sort of judgment.

My temperament is mostly the same, and I still want the same things for my life. The way I respond to the world around me and what that looks like for me today is a bit more clear. It has a lot more gray area, with quite a few more areas with hard lines (boundaries, who knew you needed those? but trust me, we all do).

The intense desire for external approval has almost entirely vanished. I can’t remember the last time I was concerned with what someone else was thinking. Okay, there was this one-time last week, but I directly asked my questions and got some answers and went about my day, but my journals tell a very different story.

Me that exists today, remembers things a little differently than what I have written down in these books. I thought I was happier, maybe because that’s because I am so happy now. I have no answers for you; I just found it interesting.

My present is emotionally steadier. Fears have fallen away, I work hard to accomplish my goals, I exercise and care about what goes into my body. I am still horny, but sex isn’t the only tool for me to create a connection with the people in my life today, and I am very selective in who I share that gift with. I am still light-hearted, still self-aware, but maybe a little more reflective instead of selfish. I forgive easier, want less, and care more about self-approval these days. I no longer chase after affection or beautiful moments- rather I just try to see everyone as beautiful and enjoy all my moments.

There are days I still get lonely, but this no longer hurts. I have come to the conclusion that most people feel lonely the majority of the time, and this doesn’t change regardless if they are in a relationship or not. In fact, sometimes I just embrace it. It makes for better moments when I am not.

I still hope for a partner, someone to share all parts of me with… but I don’t indulge in one-sided affections anymore and I never will again. I haven’t seemed to have the right timing yet, and that’s okay. I continue to keep myself open and maybe someone will inspire and move my heart again. As for this moment in time, my happiness isn’t dependent on anyone or any one thing. I know my strong suits, my weak suits, and I embrace the light and dark parts of myself. It’s a good place to be.

Professionally, I have had some bumps the past year and a half. It has been a new experience. Maybe it is my heart's way of telling me to do something different. I have always worked towards financial rewards, but now, for the first time, I just want to do work I love. And if it leads me back into poverty for a while, I am okay with that for now. Money comes, money goes, I found it once, and I can create it again. Right now though, I just don’t want to fight with myself. I want to listen more, and speak less.

I am completely lost on this front, however, I am more than okay with it, and I have loved every minute of it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was this happy.

In fact, I may start a blog titled, “The Chronicles of a woman stumbling into her thirties nesting with her hand”, stay tuned people.

That is a joke; I am not going to do that. Until next time my loves, be happy.

xoxo

Who knew...

I have met a lot of incredibly interesting people lately. Some I’ve met- but never gotten to know more than a passing conversation and somehow we have now become closer. Others are new, and all have been delightful to be around. I am not sure when I started to weed out the toxic relationships in my life. Some I left behind without a second thought, others were harder to see.

I am discovering how to balance in a way that works for my life. I know what I want, what I need, and what I don’t.

I don’t understand people who hide their humanity. I have found that its the parts of myself I want no one to see that bond us together. You at your worst, when you are fragile, when you're inspired, or brave- that’s what I want to learn about. That’s what I link up with; it’s the mess that challenges us to grow and expands our hearts. That feeling of, “I get that”. For me at least, it makes this journey all the more worthwhile- a little less lonely. It’s comforting to know even though we are all disgusting on the inside, that we also fundamentally want the same things- That each and every one of us has the capacity for love and is capable of moments of real impact.

I am glad I took the long way and learned the hard lessons young. I am grateful at the age of thirty the world has not hardened my heart. I am thankful that two years ago I did not drowned in self-hate and despair.  That I have learned to let go and embrace every inch of this body I call my home.

I owe this to all of the people in my life who challenged and accepted me. I owe my strength to all who have spit me out and made me question my worth. Thank you for making me feel small so I could understand what it's like to feel big. Thank you for making me feel ugly so I could discover my beauty. Thank you for making me feel unheard so I could find my voice. Thank you for giving me something to stand for, people worth fighting for, and for helping me see the good in the worst of situations.

I am surrounded by people who love and support me for exactly who I am and not who they would have me be. How this happened, I’ll never know. When I fall or stumble, I don’t have people who stare back at me with judgment or disdain. I don’t associate with the selfish, the paranoid, or manipulative.

The people in my life hold out arms for hugs, and have shoulders to lean on. They tell me to try again, they say things like, “What you want, is what I want for you”, “You are wanted, and you are loved every day”.  They are my teachers, my friends, and my chosen family.

I don’t have to prove or explain myself to anyone and the people in my life don’t ask me to. We want to be in each other’s lives, there is no need chase, or be dishonest, there are no expectations. Just love, just trust, and confidence. There is laughter, understanding, honesty and loyalty.

I have no idea what I did to deserve these incredible relationships, but I am glad I never gave up. I am glad I didn’t listen. I am glad I asked questions. I am glad I always followed my heart even when it led me astray. I am glad I have never been afraid to make an ass of myself or fall down over and over and over again… and mostly I am thankful I said hello- because without saying that first hello, I wouldn’t know a single one of you and that would be sad indeed. I am glad I can’t see what tomorrow holds because right now is pretty fucking good.

For anyone out there who is lost, keep holding on. Start asking yourself what you want, and go get it. I hope you meet people along the way who help you see the best parts of yourself and encourage you.  I hope you find people who inspire you. I hope you know that you aren’t alone.

And if ever you feel like the world has no place for you, I hope you create a place for yourself.

Real Life

So let me paint a picture for you guys.

Yesterday as I was running an errand for my boss at Lowes, and I started to have a panic attack. It was busy in the store, and it was incredibly loud, seriously just too fucking loud. I get social anxiety.

Anyways, in the process of this sudden attack. I turned down a less crowded aisle to gain my composure. All the sudden there was this kid screaming. It is like he appeared out of thin air. No parent/s in sight. Normally, I would try to talk to the kid and calm him down. My mother hen instincts would have kicked in and taken over- but yesterday I froze. Why was he screaming? Where were his parents? Why was he staring at me? Why was he forcing me to take control of the situation? I don't want to be responsible for him. I have a hard enough time being responsible for myself. I was trapped. He was so loud, and it’s not like he was crying, this kid was just screaming to scream.

So as I am looking at him screaming. I start to get upset. Couldn’t he see my condition? People shouldn’t have to listen to this little asshole. I couldn’t handle it, and I physically wasn’t able to respond rationally. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I could feel it beating against my ribcage, boom, boom, boom, my ears were ringing, and I was drenched in sweat. I panicked, gripped the 2x4 rack and let out a very loud and intense “Ahhhhhhhhh” right in his face (more like direction). The boy froze and I covered my mouth realizing I just screamed at a child, practically in his face, right in the middle of the lumber department.

Thank goodness everyone who was standing near was Mexican. They acted like my behavior was normal. No one said a thing. This is why I love Mexicans; they always mind their own business. I was thankful for that small kindness.

So this kid, who was yelling, is now staring at me. We both are just standing there and staring at each other. I felt like I was in a showdown. It was me against him. And then he starts walking towards me. I instinctively start backing up. I am terrified. He wasn’t going to close that 15 feet gap. Fuck that.

Then I thought, Kaiha what the fuck is wrong with you? You are an adult, and he is just a little kid, snap out of it. Had my brain completely stopped functioning? Why was I so afraid of this tiny human?

So I stopped backing up and stood my ground. I wasn’t afraid of him. So he gets really close to me, like really close. He reaches out, grabs my hand and says, "I get it." This tiny human got me. He really got me. That one small phrase made me laugh so hard. So now imagine me basically laughing in his face. The whole situation was so comical, and bazaar, but his kid got it, and he got me I thought and with that my panic attack ended, and I helped him find his dad.

Once we found his dad- the kid proceeded to say, "this is the nice old lady who screamed at me." What the fuck!! Who says that? That’s right, kids say that, and that is why I hate them. Tactless, rude little shits.

I am pretty sure all the colored drained from my face. That little fucker, I just helped you, and he threw me under the bus. I did a good thing; you can’t just make me look completely irrational in front of your dad. But he did, and he did it in the cutest way possible. Then it registered. His dad was fucking hot. Why did I have to have dirt all over me? I wanted to speak, to say something funny- nothing; nothing came out. I became instantly self-conscious. I didn’t know what to do, and my heart started pounding AGAIN. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

To be fair, I also did yell in his son's face like a crazy person. So can't be mad at the kid for being honest, but I was mad, and he called me old. Old, I wasn’t old. Fuck you kid.

The dad looked at me like he was waiting for me to explain myself… And I just kept staring back at him. I wasn't saying shit. Nor was I about to justify something irrational.

I don’t know why I screamed. Plus he was screaming too. Why can he scream for no reason and I can’t? So after a few more moments of awkward silence, the dad said, “Alright well, thanks. You have a good day.” They turned and left, and I was free.

So to make a long story a little longer, I have learned three things about myself in the past two days. One. I will never have another child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, but fuck that. Two. I thought my midlife crisis was over, but apparently I'm still working things out. Three. I am actually attracted to women and men. Yes, I said it.  And I am not sure how I could be so sure of something my whole life and then one day wake up and realize that the idea I have attached to my whole life no longer exists for me. I was in denial, but I have decided to embrace it. I am changing, and I can’t stop that or control it, even if I wanted to. It’s a little uncomfortable, but that’s okay. I will figure it out like I always do and in the meantime- I am not going to limit myself.