This morning, as I was stumbling sleepily to the coffee pot, I ran into my bookshelf and knocked down my journals. Instead of immediately picking up the mess, I continued to focus on the task at hand. Caffeine… Walking back to my room, I stopped to sit on the floor and meticulously put them back in order. I took a picture (because they looked pretty, that’s why), and then started going through them one by one.
I feel like I have lived so many conflicting lives, and anyone who has managed to bare witness to these varying of phases would probably say the same. However, I am not them and have no clue what they think of me, that’s their business. Even with all that’s happened the story line seems to stay the same.
It’s funny because I believed it had changed. I can’t help but wonder if it’s like that for everyone . . . My whole life it seems I have sought after love in the worst and best of places. From being attention seeking as a child, to sex, drugs, abuse, and each time I turn a page- I am the same, yet forever altered.
I can’t imagine doing some of the things I have, but starring back at me is my handwriting, that is my named signed at the bottom of each page. It’s like looking at the most immature, selfish parts of myself and reliving it as I worked it out on paper. I used to do this more often, work things out.
My values have gone from being harsh, extreme, nil to none, self-righteous, and then my favorite was my morally superior phase- like I could ever keep that stage character up. “Bye kettle,” says me the pot.
Now I just value what I do. I have absolutely no opinion on what should and shouldn’t be. These days I try not to be hard on myself, or the people around me. I allow patience with my thoughts and give myself time to be still- never focusing on one area or person too much with any sort of judgment.
My temperament is mostly the same, and I still want the same things for my life. The way I respond to the world around me and what that looks like for me today is a bit more clear. It has a lot more gray area, with quite a few more areas with hard lines (boundaries, who knew you needed those? but trust me, we all do).
The intense desire for external approval has almost entirely vanished. I can’t remember the last time I was concerned with what someone else was thinking. Okay, there was this one-time last week, but I directly asked my questions and got some answers and went about my day, but my journals tell a very different story.
Me that exists today, remembers things a little differently than what I have written down in these books. I thought I was happier, maybe because that’s because I am so happy now. I have no answers for you; I just found it interesting.
My present is emotionally steadier. Fears have fallen away, I work hard to accomplish my goals, I exercise and care about what goes into my body. I am still horny, but sex isn’t the only tool for me to create a connection with the people in my life today, and I am very selective in who I share that gift with. I am still light-hearted, still self-aware, but maybe a little more reflective instead of selfish. I forgive easier, want less, and care more about self-approval these days. I no longer chase after affection or beautiful moments- rather I just try to see everyone as beautiful and enjoy all my moments.
There are days I still get lonely, but this no longer hurts. I have come to the conclusion that most people feel lonely the majority of the time, and this doesn’t change regardless if they are in a relationship or not. In fact, sometimes I just embrace it. It makes for better moments when I am not.
I still hope for a partner, someone to share all parts of me with… but I don’t indulge in one-sided affections anymore and I never will again. I haven’t seemed to have the right timing yet, and that’s okay. I continue to keep myself open and maybe someone will inspire and move my heart again. As for this moment in time, my happiness isn’t dependent on anyone or any one thing. I know my strong suits, my weak suits, and I embrace the light and dark parts of myself. It’s a good place to be.
Professionally, I have had some bumps the past year and a half. It has been a new experience. Maybe it is my heart's way of telling me to do something different. I have always worked towards financial rewards, but now, for the first time, I just want to do work I love. And if it leads me back into poverty for a while, I am okay with that for now. Money comes, money goes, I found it once, and I can create it again. Right now though, I just don’t want to fight with myself. I want to listen more, and speak less.
I am completely lost on this front, however, I am more than okay with it, and I have loved every minute of it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was this happy.
In fact, I may start a blog titled, “The Chronicles of a woman stumbling into her thirties nesting with her hand”, stay tuned people.
That is a joke; I am not going to do that. Until next time my loves, be happy.
xoxo
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